Bella Is Still A Moron
by LovingPipersBoys
Summary: Another collection of short stories about Bella, Edward and Jacob. Bella is blinded by both men, their charm and what seems like love for her and each other. Poor stupid little Bella. If you like this read The Bella Is A Moron Files as well.
1. Is She Really That Blind?

**Summary: **Another collection of short stories about Bella, Edward and Jacob. Bella is blinded by both men, their charm and what seems like love for her and each other. Poor stupid little Bella. If only she knew what was really going on… Lots of Bella bashing people and hot Edward/Jacob sex!

_**Bella Is Still A Moron**_

It was a dark, dreary day in Forks, but then again when wasn't it? Bella was laying next to Edward in their meadow whinny about something earning her the occasional eye roll from her undead love. It wasn't that he wasn't listening to her. He just really didn't give a shit about anything she was saying.

The truth was that the seemingly friendly and protective vampire didn't want anyone to come between him and his version of a coke or pepsi. Bella's blood was intoxicating and he wasn't about to share his food with any other vampire, family or not. So to throw her off, he pretended to be in love with the clumsy girl and was patiently waiting for the day where he could finally drain every drop of blood from her body and store it in his basement for future consumption.

"Wouldn't that be a good idea, love of my life who I would die without even though I've only known him three months? Wow, when you put it that way I'm kind of a crazy stalker bitch, but then again you do like to sneak into my bedroom and watch me sleep at night so…I guess crazy attracts crazy."

She giggled.

_No it's called making sure the food is still in the refrigerator bitch._ Edward thought to himself before turning to the breathing vegetable with a fake smile.

"Sure, why not? Invite this friend of yours. He can't possibly be more of a pain in my undead ass than you are."

Bella smiled for a moment before Edward's words actually sunk in.

"Hey! Did you just insult me?"

"No Bella dear. I was merely complementing you in a dumbed down way that only you could understand. We both know how you get those headaches when you think too hard. You know, on those rare days where you have any brain activity all."

"Oh you're so sweet Eddie." She says staring at him with her mouth hanging open, choking as a fly enters it. "What would I do without you?"

_Live a long pointless life filled with unfortunate accidents that land you in the hospital every other day. Maybe I'm doing you a favor after all._

Bella pulls out her phone and dials Jacob's number.

"Hey Jake it's Bells. Umm, hello?"

Edward sighs and turns the phone around in Bella's hand.

"I feel like such an idiot."

Edward laughs.

_That's because you are one._

"Hey Jake, it's Bella…no…what? Jake that was one time I am not going to let you give me a pap smear with your Mr. Winky. Besides, my Mom says that it's supposed to be done by a doctor not my sexy ass friend. You know, I don't know why she said that or felt the need to take a shower after. It was really odd now that I think about it. Anyway Edward says that you can meet us in the meadow. He's so sweet. What do you mean what does he look like? What does that have to do with anything? Well…yeah he's hot. Umm, he has a pretty nice one. What? I will not take a picture and send it to you. Jakey, you're starting to weird me out. Just get here, ok. Bye"

Edward raised an eyebrow at Bella.

A pap smear with Mr. Winky? She couldn't possibly be that stupid? Ok, this was Bella so yeah, she was.

"Jakey said that he'll come. I can't wait for you two to meet. The love of my life and my best friend. This is going to be so much fun. I can tell, you guys are just going to love each other."

"Anything for you love. Now what does this friend of yours look like?"

Bella eyed him suspiciously.

"Umm, Jake's a Native and he's pretty good looking. I guess."

"Interesting."

"Why?"

"I'm just curious. Go on, tell me about him."

"Well he's like 6'0" with long dark hair, big dark eyes, a killer smile, with lots of muscles. He is totally ripped for a sixteen year old."

Edward's smile widened.

"Is he…into…guys?"

Bella gasped in shock.

"I don't know Eddie. I don't think so…wait why would you even ask?"

"Because I like to know the kind of person that my Bella is hanging around."

_Hopefully the kind that likes hot, pale vampires who know how to work a joy stick and this Jake sure as hell sounds something that I would just love to slip into. _

_Repeatedly._

"Ok, that sound reasonable."

"Hey guys what's up?"

A rough, deep voice calls out.

Edward looked up to see the hottest guy ever standing above him, smiling down.

"Jake!" Screamed Bella as she jumped to her feet and embraced the God like creature.

The ebony haired male gave him a wink and smile that sent shock waves through him.

Damn if he could do that with a smile, imagine what he could do with his…

The vampire immediately sprang to his feet, pulling Bella away from the young stud and shoving her off to the side.

"Edward no fighting over me. Please I couldn't take it."

Completely ignoring her, the vampire licked his lips at the younger boy in front of him.

"Hey there handsome. I'm Edward, Edward Cullen." He said caressing Jacob's face with the back of his hand.

"Edward, what are you doing to Jake? It looks like pretty weird space invasion." Asked Bella not understanding why her boyfriend was undressing her best friend with his eyes.

"Relax Bella, Edward is just being friendly. After all you've only been in Forks for like three months. You have no idea how certain men say hello to each other. By the way I'm Jacob, Jacob Black."

"Very nice to meet you Mr. Black. I have to say that you are one beautiful creature."

Jacob smiled and brought his hand to rest on Edward's shoulder.

"Thank you Mr. Cullen. You're mighty fine looking yourself."

Both men continue to stare deeply into each other's eyes before locking lips and groping each other, deepening their kiss.

"Guys, is this part of the tradition of saying hello? Guys…hello?"

Jacob pulled back speaking to Bella without looking at her as him and Edward sank down onto the blanket.

"Here" he said pushing a container of food her way. "You should eat something while me and Edward become more acquainted with each other."

However the girl wasn't sure why Jacob was rubbing her boyfriends crotch as he spoke.

"My, my Mr. Cullen. Aren't you a big boy."

"Yes I am and I can't wait to…" he trailed off whispering something into Jacob's ear that made the young man bit his lower lips and breath erratically.

"Oh really? Well I have no problem letting you. Let's see what you got sexy."

The boys instantly fell into a full on make out session.

Bella wasn't buying it.

"I know that you two want to be friends and all but I don't get it? Why are you making out and…oh my…hey, you NEVER do that with me! I didn't even know you knew how? Virgin my ass Edward Cullen!"

Edward sighed in frustration before yelling "Oh look Bella, a butterfly. You should go chase it. You know, keep busy and give me and Jacob some alone time for some really fucking hot…"

"Guy time. You know, to bond." Jacob finished just as Edward tackled him.

"Ok I love butterflies. Here butterfly. Come here pretty little butterfly. I want to pin you to the my wall by your wings. You'd make a lovely decoration. Please don't be afraid, come back." The girl said running off.

"We're finally alone." Edward spoke as he kissed his way down Jacob's hot body.

Within seconds both men were naked.

"Do you think that she'll realize we're totally fucking each other right now?" Questioned Edward as he slid inside of Jacob's hot entrance.

"No, she's too stupid. She'll probably think we're playing…"

Before Jacob could finish Bella screamed.

"Naked Twister! Yay. I've got next!" A second later the girl was out of sight running after a butterfly with her hair brush.

Jacob laughed before moaning as Edward's thrust increased.

"What a dumb bitch."

Edward giggled capturing Jacob's lips once again.

She sure was.


	2. Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry

**Summary: **Another collection of short stories about Bella, Edward and Jacob. Bella is blinded by both men, their charm and what seems like love for her and each other. Poor stupid little Bella. If only she knew what was really going on… Lots of Bella bashing people and hot Edward/Jacob sex!

**Bella Is Still A Moron**

Bella Swan was uncontrollably happy as she bounced up and down in the makeup chair. The women and men stationed around her were in the mist of preparing her for the show. It was going to be her television debut and she couldn't be more excited.

Edward, had brought her to Chicago telling her that he had something important to tell her. He said, that it was something very special and only a show like The Jerry Springer Show, could help him set the mood. The girl was so anxious that she could barely sleep last night. She just couldn't wait to hear what the love of her life had to tell her. Deep down she was hoping for a marriage proposal.

"Oh Eddie I can't wait to become Mrs. Cullen."

Her smile turned to a frown when the people around her started laughing.

"Bitch are you blind or something? Your man brought you to the Jerry Springer Show. Do you know the kind of shit that happens here girlfriend?" Questioned a guy who wore pink lipstick as he put the finishing touches on her hair.

"No, but what I do know that Edward loves me and that he wants to marry me, so I just put one and three together." She giggled.

"And I bet you came up with five."

"Hey how did you know?"

Everyone looked at the girl as they shook their heads in disbelief. In all of their years working on a trashy television show, this girl had to be the dumbest person that they had ever laid eyes on.

"Well," a brown skin woman spoke "what does this boyfriend of yours look like?"

"He's tall, pale, with a hot body, golden honey colored eyes, a perfect smile and gorgeous hair. Yep, my Edward's the total package."

They all stared at each other before erupting into a chorus of laughter.

"Umm sweetie, I saw your boyfriend with a…_friend _of his earlier. He was really cute and they seemed to be very…_close_." A girl with green eye shadow spoke before a short balding guy pinched her.

"Ouch!"

"No dropping hints Carla! Bella will figure things out once she gets on stage."

"Oh please tell me. I really want to know what Eddie has to say! Did he profess his love for me?" She questioned springing to her feet, only to fall on her face, taking a down with her a hot curling iron that landed on her forehead.

"Uh, yeah. I can honestly say that he is in love."

Bella grinned from ear to ear as one of the assistants held an ice pack to her head.

"Oh goodie! Umm, does he have a ring in his pocket for a special someone?"

"Yes he does and you won't believe who it's for. But enough of that dear. You'll learn all you need to know very shortly. In fact he's out there, right now, telling the world exactly how he feels."

**Meanwhile On Stage…**

The crowd is chanting Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry as they return from a commercial brake. After a minute the chanting becomes nothing more than a quiet murmur before all noise has died off.

"We're back. Our next guest says that he's a 107 year old gay vampire, who's secretly been seeing his girlfriend's best friend behind her back. He's brought her here today to let her know that he's not only leaving her for her best friend, but he also plans on marrying him. Here he is, say hello Edward Cullen."

There are shouts of cheers and jeers from the audience as Edward walks onto the stage, giving all of his critics the finger.

"You don't know me, you don't know me, so just shut up. Shut the fuck up haters! Whatever, whatever. That's why me and my family are going to drain all ya'll dry after the show. So, enjoy breathing now bitches! You haters are going to be dead in less than an hour, watch." He shouts as he takes his seat and leans back in his chair, displaying his shirt that reads _Team Jakeward_.

"So Edward. Tell us your story."

"Well Jerry it's like this. My girl Bella, who's really just my blood bank, thinks that I'm in love with her and shit but what she don't know is that I'm fucking her best friend Jacob."

More boos from the audience as Edward only smirks and points to his shirt.

"Team Jakeward bitches! If you don't like it, you can just kiss my ass and than tongue it! Yeah baby, just the way Eddie likes it."

After a while the crowd dies down as Jerry continues.

"So why are you cheating on Bella? I mean besides the fact that you're obviously gay."

"Because she's all clinging and won't let me do anything without her hanging on me and dragging me down. I can't have any fun with that chick and it's always been that way. Then one day we're chilling in the meadow and she calls up her boy on her cell phone, telling him to come through. Well, because I have super vampire hearing, I was able to hear his voice while they were talking and oh man. I loved it. He sounded sexy as hell and I wanted to be all up in that. Now, this is how I played it off Jerry. I acted like I wanted to know who she was hanging out with so, I had her tell me all about him and I won't lie to you Jerry, the description she gave me of him had me wanting baby boy in the worse way and when he showed up, I nearly came all over myself. He was tall, muscular with nice long dark hair and a smile that just made me want to grab him and kiss him and that's exactly what I did. Don't get me wrong, I like Bella even if she's a brain dead sock puppet and a magic dick softener. I just can't help the fact that I love cock and she ain't got one Jerry. She can't do it like Jacob does, you know what I'm saying my dude?"

"No I don't know what you're saying and hopefully I never will."

"Hey, don't knock it till you try it Jerry."

"Yeah, well, we have Bella backstage waiting to hear what you have to say. How do you think she's going to take it?"

"Honestly Jerry I don't know and I don't care."

"That's kind of cold hearted Edward."

"Well what do you expect from a dead man? My whole body's cold."

"Well…I guess you've got a point there. Oh well, let's welcome Bella to the show."

Everyone cheered as Bella does a summersault onto the stage, flashing her granny panties to all in attendance before standing in the middle of the stage waving to everyone.

"Hi everybody! It's so wonderful to be here. My Eddie loves me and we're getting married! Yay!" She smiles as Edward rolls his eyes and pulls her into the chair next to him.

"Hello Bella and welcome to the show. Your boyfriend Edward has brought you here today to share a secret that he's been hiding from you. Edward, tell Bella why you brought her here."

Edward sighs and turns to Bella, taking her hand.

"You know that I love you right? You're one of my good friends."

"Yes Edward, yes, I'll marry you!" She screams throwing her arms around him before he pushes her away.

"What the hell are you talking about Bella? I didn't ask you to marry me. Just stop for a second and listen to me."

"Ok Eddie I can wait, go ahead."

"Well ,you know how me and Jacob have been spending a lot of time together?"

"Yeah you guys are totally in a bromance! It's so cute. Oh, remember that time I caught you rubbing your hands up and down Jacob's Mr. Winky, trying to warm him up? Or the other time when I popped up over your house, where I found Jacob sucking the poison out of your Mr. Love Bites? It was really stange but you guys said that it was because of that snake bit you while you guys were camping the week before? They are so sweet to each other Jerry."

"Wow, you saw all of that but yet you still don't get it? Damn, you really are a moron."

"Hey, who told you my middle name?"

"Oh my God."

"Anyway" Edward says once again looking at Bella. "The reason that we've been spending so much time together is because we're sleeping together."

"I know that silly."

"You do?"

"Yeah, you guys go camping together and take all of those tropical Island trips together all of the time. Of course you're sleeping together. You're good friends, it wouldn't make sense to pay for two rooms when you can sleep in the same bed."

Edward slaps Bella on the back of the head.

"No you brain dead zombie!"

Off his word's there's a shout from the audience. "Hey!"

"No offense Mike man." Edward waves to the zombie in the back row.

"Listen, me and Jacob are together, as in a relationship. I love him, not you. I love having him fuck me, you on the other hand make me want to vomit. If it wasn't for the fact that I want to drink your blood I wouldn't even associate myself with you. You're a boring virgin, with no tits, no ass and a smelly twat. Oh and your voice reminds me of that clear eyes guy. You know, the one from the commercials. You're on monotone all the time, it's a huge downer. We also like to call you the magic dick softener for reasons obvious to every male in this audience. Anyway, I'm here to ask Jacob to marry me and to ask you to go jump off a cliff. That is, if you really love me and want to see me happy."

"No, no Eddie. What's the magic word?"

"Umm…please?"

"Ok. Anything for you Eddie! Oh I love you so much and when I come back you're going to tell me that this was all a joke, right?"

"Uh, yeah, sure."

"Awesome. You're so funny Eddie. This was a really great prank." Says Bella as she skips away to go jump off a cliff leaving the host, and the audience members dumb founded.

"Well then, let's bring out Jacob."

Jacob strolls out wearing a pair of fitted dark denim jeans, a white shirt and a black leather jacket, looking all kinds of sexy as Edward jumps into his arms, the two making out on the stage as the crowd goes wild.

**In the background….**

"Good they're all nice and distracted by Edward and Jacob making out. It should be rather easy for us to kill them all." Says Carlisle from a dark hidden corner.

"Yeah, they're not the only ones. Shit that's sexy."

"Shut up Emmet."

"Is it wrong of me to be completely turned on by this?"

"Not at all Esme love and don't you worry about a thing. I'll take real good care of you when we get home."

"Sweet!"

"Eww parent sex!"

"Again I say, shut up Emmett." Yells Rosalie as she scans the crowd before looking over to Carlisle who says….

"Alright guys. It's dinner time."

All that could be heard were the screams of those in the crowd as the Cullen's, plus their new Zombie butler, ate them one by one.

Edward broke from his make out session with Jacob long enough to look over his shoulder and smirk.

"I told you so bitches."


End file.
